Let’s All Be Safe Out There, Okay?

People get in a lot of car accidents. It’s seems like a pretty unnecessary problem. What can we do to fix it?

1. Don’t Crash – Maybe this is “the obvious” solution, but according to some statistics I’m about to make up, there are over 6 car accidents somewhere in the world every decade. OVER 6. In a ten-year period. How does this happen? Even one is too many. If there are cars around you, just don’t hit them with your car. If there are solid objects nearby, avoid crashing into them. DUH. It’s not advanced algebra people, it’s simple arithmetic. If you are driving a car and you notice you’re coming dangerously close to ANYTHING HITABLE, steer away from it! Just turn the wheel! Navigate your vehicle in an alternate direction.

Admittedly, I learned this lesson the hard way when I once forgot to not crash. That’s why I’m telling you; so you can learn from my experience. Getting into a car accident is like the “accidentally bumping into someone” of driving an automobile. Many times nobody gets hurt, but do you really want to risk that it could be you who is personally injured? I sure don’t. That’s why it’s my strict driving policy to never hit anything with my car. Although, sometimes it’s other people who are the ones who are hitting you. Which is a pretty convenient introduction to step 2.

If only they had read my blog sooner this could have been avoided. I suppose this is partially my fault for not writing this sooner.

2. Don’t Get Hit – You might not believe me when I tell you this, but not everything in your life is under your control. There exist, unfortunately, other people who also get to make decisions (often terrible ones). These decisions, unfortunately, are often terrible (I told you) and affect you in ways which suck for you. It’s awful, to be sure, unfortunately, but it happens. I’m not sure that last thing was a real sentence. The point is, however, that although, unfortunately, other people exist and get to make decisions that affect you (terrible decisions that you won’t like), you also get to choose how to react to them (fortunately).

This includes, but is not limited to, things like, oh I don’t know, avoiding accidents. Specifically, accidents of the car related variety. For example, from my real life: the other day, I was turning, in one of two turning lanes. The person in the turning lane next to me was turning in both of two turning lanes. Naturally, due to the laws of physics, it was impossible for us both to exist simultaneously in my turning lane without impacting at some point. So, my thought process went something along the lines of “HOLY SHIT I’M GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” until I remembered that I could simply move out of that stupid person’s way and not get hit just because they were too dumb to drive properly. Because of my ingenious idea to not let them hit me, I lived to fight another day. And also to flip them the bird for driving like an asshole.

3. Stop Getting Distracted – Yeah, I didn’t have a good segue to step number 3, so I apologize if this seems a bit forced. It seems to me though, and the state of California, and possibly some other people, that distracted drivers are more likely to get into accidents. In the same way that distracted walkers are more likely to be hit by distracted drivers. Like, say that right now you’re reading this on your laptop while on the freeway. First of all, why do you have your laptop out in the car while you’re driving? Secondly, LOOK OUT FOR THAT- Well, I guess you died the way you lived – like an idiot.

It can be hard to drive without getting distracted. There are just so many awesome distractions! There’s the radio. There’s turning up the radio. So much to do! Why wake up early to do your makeup (LADIES and CROSS-DRESSERS), when you can do it in the car and cause a horrible wreck? Also, don’t forget to check out that thing that’s not on the road in front of you! It’s definitely to the side of or behind your car, but look anyway! And not just casually, please, by all means stare! I don’t mind dying because you rear-ended (or ran-over) me!

Oh, it's coming. And when it gets here, it will be SWEET! But also probably dangerous.

The truth is, we all get distracted while driving. It’s almost impossible to be completely focused on the road. Especially because the road is so boring. The road doesn’t have a Facebook app (yet). But can we just agree to all be a lot less distracted? You know, don’t be focusing primarily on something that isn’t driving if you’re supposed to be the driver. If this is a big problem for you, maybe try to be the driver in as few situations as possible.

4. Don’t Drive Drunk – Don’t drive wasted. Don’t drive faded. Don’t drive inebriated in any way. Don’t drive tired. Don’t drive blind. If you physically can’t see anything, it’s probably in everyone’s best interest if you get a chauffeur. Don’t drive with one eye closed if you’re not used to the lack of depth perception. Don’t drive while kissing someone with your eyes closed tightly because of how much you’re in love.

These are just a few oddly specific examples of ways in which having an altered state of mind can really cause you get into car accidents.

They say friends don’t let friends drive drunk, but I think we all know that’s not true. I’ve even seen friends encouraging their friends to drive drunk. It’s a sick world out there, and quite frankly, a lot of the world is also drunk. Maybe a better motto would be “nobody should let anybody drive drunk, ever, regardless of how well they are acquainted, if at all.” So, if you see someone across the street about to drive drunk, you better dart heedlessly into traffic to try to stop them! It’s the only decent thing to do. Always be on the lookout for people who are drunk. Whenever you see them, steal their keys. If you feel like returning them later, all the better! Just remember kids, a stolen car is better than a drunk driver.

Also, if you’re drunk, don’t drive. It’s dangerous.

5. Don’t Drive If You Don’t Know How – I can’t emphasize this point enough. If you’re old and you no longer remember the rules of the road or how to operate all the functions of your car, consider just giving up and dying already. Your kids and grandkids could really use any money or valuables you might have left them. If you’re young, and you somehow got your license without really paying attention, then that’s kind of crazy, and a little awesome, but still it’s highly advisable for you to not be in control of a 2-ton vehicle. Now, for those of you in the middle who for whatever reason just don’t really know how to drive very well, without any real reason for not knowing, just stay the fuck out of your cars. What are you thinking? You could kill people!

The only people who should be driving cars are those who are fully licensed and know the rules of the road, who understand how a car works and how to operate it properly, and who are not Asian, according to some stereotypes.

Well, there you go. The 5 basic rules that would avoid all accidents forever anywhere in the world. Let us, as the human race, make a pact this very day that we will all abide by these simple rules and never crash our cars, causing very obnoxious traffic for people on their way home from work on the 405 north in Southern California, especially last Thursday when they had a particularly bad day at work and really didn’t want to sit in traffic for an hour longer than normal because some STUPID IDIOTS got in a car wreck on the freeway.

All agreed? HANDS IN!

I feel like we might be missing a few people...


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